Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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