you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
