I'm so fucking centered right now
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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