I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
