So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
