he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
