Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
