So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
