By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
