Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
