I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
