I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
