??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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