I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
