Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
