Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
is wine microwaveable?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
