oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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