I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
