Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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