You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
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i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
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Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
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