the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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