My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
