i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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