If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize