my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
