I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
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mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
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The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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