I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
