just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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