i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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