Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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