Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
