I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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