I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
