Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
