dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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