capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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