I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
