Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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