I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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