look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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