I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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