My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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