One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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