I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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