Nicole vs. Life
Barsexuality is the new black.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
