Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
