It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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