Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
