Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
