I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
