im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
