meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
