I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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