i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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