we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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