So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
