Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
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We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
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Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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