im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
