Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
