seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
